Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started