Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Breaking news:
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them