Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
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[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
God has abandoned us.
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If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …