Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.