Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!