Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit