Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
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[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure