Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

could’ve been anyone

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?