Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
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The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.