Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what do you want!!!!!!!!

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

boat question

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

Needless to say…*

*mic drop