never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
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Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
The United Steaks of America
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
The struggle is real.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!