never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
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I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.