Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, that didn’t work.

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)