Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
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My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Order here:
More here:
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.