“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
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Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills