Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Breaking news:
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep