Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog