Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.