Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

so, is there a mister shapen head

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.