Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Nosferatu
Nosfera2
Nosf3ratu
Nos4atu
Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.