“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
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Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Weighing up my bread heating options
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.