Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
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Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I’m not stressed
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question