Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

fr

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

Put my back out twerking in the library again

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction