Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
You Might Also Like
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
That time Alicia messaged me
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.