Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
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sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.