Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy