NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
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In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
A man of commitment.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.