Never let them know your next move π
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FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
βMicrosoft Word? I havenβt heard that name in yearsβ¦β
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
me: iβd like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no iβm driv-
google maps: itβs gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Any other person cuts their thumb: βExpletive!β
Me, a Catholic person: βExpletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!β
Receptionist at the Dentist: Whatβs your availability six months from now?
Me: I donβt know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. Iβm a quick thinker you know.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I donβt know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I donβt deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Donβt blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ββ ββββ is βββββ ββββ and ββ ββββ.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
So basically what Iβm saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess Iβll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
That’s what I call a flat tire
