never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Sponch
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going