Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

Well. That’s not a good sign.

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Good lord