Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
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him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward