Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
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Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Planet of the Apps.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..