Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
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Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
FRED: right
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
How times have changed.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no