Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
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If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.