Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
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Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,