Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.