Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

So the ex texted me

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player