Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
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Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.