Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.