Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
You Might Also Like
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
called in thicc to work this morning
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”