Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’