Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

A duv-egg? In this economy?

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean