Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
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Europe. Made in Germany.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Finally! 😈
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
There’s always that one guy
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?