Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
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I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.