Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
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Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
can’t catch a break
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
c’mon!
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”