Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
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what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
#Caturday
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
😼🖥️
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away