Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks