Never mess with a drunken pig.
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I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose