Never mess with a drunken pig.
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why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
there has never been a better use of this meme
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.