Never mess with a drunken pig.
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Me too door. Me too.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.