Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
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*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.