Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
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[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
absolutely not
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…