Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
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For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside