Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
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A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
some cats are just doing for fun!
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
twitter is a journey
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.