I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.