Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
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Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.