Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
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[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
me at the job i begged god for
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.