Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).