Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

Breaking news:

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.