Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
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What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
No, he would not have.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
can’t bark with your mouth full
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”