Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
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Hello, my name is Pierre.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Hotels are back
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I put the h in mysterious.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.