It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
You Might Also Like
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.