Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.