Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
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this FaceApp is creepy af
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk