Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
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I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Who.
Did.
This?
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.