Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
You Might Also Like
😂😂😂😂😂😂
#Caturday
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
how it started vs how it ended
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Tuesday
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*