Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
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Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected