Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet