Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”