Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……