Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My first son he is wonderful
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia