Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
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Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Help Wanted
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train